Coming Back
I haven’t written on here in four months.
After the holidays, I had plans for writing, lists of blog post ideas, a few messy drafts. I had hope, and I was excited for a fresh start in a new year.
And then January 6 at the U.S. Capitol happened. Horror and crushing reality took its place. And they just. wouldn’t. leave.
For weeks, I couldn’t find words for anything, but I still had a family to support and young kids who needed their mom. I also hit the pandemic wall HARD. So I numbed and retreated, let others find the words for me. I did only what was necessary for survival. I watched a lot of TV, both current events (because I couldn’t look away) and trash (because I needed the escape). I read a lot, mostly romance books (for the endings where everything works out) and nonfiction like Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind (for the perspective and to see how the horror of modern day events fit into the longer arc of human history) and trauma books like The Body Keeps The Score (see everything from November 9, 2016 - January 20, 2021).
I was just holding out for things to get better. It had to get better. Once the Biden administration got started, it would be better. Not that everything would be magically fixed, but it would be an improvement, to not have to brace myself every day for the whims of a narcissistic conman who happened to be President of the United States to derail the world out of pure spite.
And then the Republican-controlled Arizona legislature took a hard turn toward blatant disenfranchisement and voter oppression, among other things that can only be described as deplorable. And then the Atlanta spa shootings happened three weeks ago. As an Asian-American, that affected me viscerally and personally.
There are going to be times when taking action seems like the furthest possible thing. It’s like you care about so much but can’t do enough for everything, so the enormity of it all just paralyzes and swallows you up. So you retreat inward and take the fight there for awhile. That’s what happened to me.
But then one day, the guilt of not doing anything felt heavier than the task of doing something. So I just did one thing, painfully and reluctantly, but I did it, just to get something done. At first, it was Request To Speak comments on state legislation each week. Then a phone call to a representative to leave a message. A handful of postcards for a campaign. A car rally for public education where I could express myself through my car horn. A rally against anti-Asian violence. Signing up for bystander intervention training. Attending Zoom webinars for groups to listen to their different lived experience.
Sometimes it’s not about whether or not you can win right then, though you should never underestimate your influence and who might be listening to you. It’s about you personally — and whether or not you are going to go quietly. It’s about finding your people and letting them know you’re there.
For example, I went to the Statewide Day of Action for Save Our Schools Arizona this morning to have my vehicle painted. I brought the kids and explained we were doing our part to fight for their schools to have money. While I was talking to the #RedForEd volunteers, it hit me that just me being there was meaningful and powerful, because it meant something to other people that I was there. And even if the AZ GQP are going to vote the way they are going to vote, we can let them know we are still here, and we’re watching. And we are sustaining and supporting one another. And even if victory might not be possible that day, there’s tomorrow, there’s the next campaign, the next election. Just by showing up, in all my imperfect mess, I can create my own hope.
That’s the lesson here, for myself: it’s okay to go away, for however long you need to. What’s important is that you come back as soon as you can and continue on.
~Rebecca
— Words That Inspired Me —
“I can’t do much, I just won’t do nothing anymore.” — Daniel Sloss
“The object of writing is to write to yourself, to let your self know what you have been trying to avoid.” — Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score
“Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.” — Bradley Whitford
“Each time that you feel as though everything that you can think of to say has been said before and everything you can think of to do has been done, remember this is an untruth. There is only one who exists with your deliberate and delicate arrangement. You or your works can never be replicated. In five years, or even five months, you will wish that you had just started the thing (whatever the thing is), with or without worry. It is a hot thing to carry, the knowledge that you are the only one stopping yourself. It burns holes in all of your quiet corners.” — Yrsa Daley-Ward